Waiting for Japan

I've only told a handful of people bout the book thingy.  My short story's out!  It's printed in an anthology called "Very Short Stories for Harried Readers" from Milfores publishing and edited by Vicente Garcia Groyon.  I'm working on a couple more, which will hopefully will get themselves printed and/or grant me entry in a decent national writers workshop.  Sana, Dumaguete.  

Hope you guys get your hands on a copy.  It's pink, too.   

More scribbles during a flight.  November 2007 ito nasulat, since the last paragraph was about to launch into something about my family visiting my dad's ashes.  Did not finish, fell asleep during flight.    

***

Ten a.m. flight to Cagayan de Oro.  I finished a short nap, and the complimentary snacks (pantawid gutom, but food nonetheless).  I haven’t written in quite awhile, so here I am.  Good thing the women always make me carry the laptop.  Women have a conveniently useful way of going about things; the last user plugged the Acer I’m using right now so it’s fully charged.  Write write. 

 

My weekends have been very full lately; after long Batanes weekends the previous year, mostly spent doing solitary activities like cleaning house, biking, sleeping and meditating, my weekends this year’s pretty booked.  The weekends just fly by, drinking, choir practice, meeting up with friends, old and new.  Coffeeshops, movies, part-time jobs, sometimes a bar, always someplace with good food.  I suppose I’m liking it.  For a restless twenty-something, packing weekends with activities seems to be the way to go.  This way boredom is nonexistent, opportunities are not wasted, and your network of relationships take on configurations that are much more interesting than ever before.  The little weekend space you have left, you spend in bed, sleeping, absorbing it all, curing the hangover.  Welcome to the world of the working twenty-somethings.

 

My little sister from Baguio is home for the holidays, which makes home quite a riot.  She and my mom and I make quite a trio in the house.  Mommy is very happy when most of her kids are home.  Mum also likes it whenever JJ and I lend a hand in cooking—modesty aside, my family knows how to cook rather well.  JJ’s specialty is the Tuna Surprise (a label which taken on a sense of irony; the Tuna Surprise, since it’s easy to cook, has become an ubiquitous breakfast meal which takes out the element of surprise), while mine is a permutation of X vegetables (usually leftovers in the refrigerator) mixed with sauteed petchay leaves and sprinkled with roasted garlic.  

 

My family visited my dad’s ashes at the Church of the Immaculate Conception in New York.  Cubao.  (Sorry, can’t help it.)    

Cleaning out my files when I saw this.  Wrote it around September 2007, I think.  So before I delete the file, I'll post the text on my oh-not-so-a-live-journal.  Cheers!

***
Currently onboard a flight going to Manila which left Basco this morning.  The plane’s a small and slow propeller-type so we’ll take almost 2 hours to get to Manila.  I’m in one of those seats that’s facing opposite the direction the plane is going, which is slightly uncomfortable. 

 

On another note I find one of the stewardesses extremely pretty.  I usually hold a mini-beauty pageant in my head during plane rides, to determine which of the two stewardesses I like better.  Instead of a swimsuit, evening gown, Q&A and talent portion, the pageant has an Air Safety Demonstration portion (her doing the seatbelt thing and how to inflate the lifevest in case of an emergency), a PA System Voice Quality portion, the Aisle Walk as a basis on how they score in the pageant. 

 

On board the plane I read the about Abe’s resignation as Japanese Prime Minister after being hounded by scandals (four cabinet member’s resignations, and the fifth committing suicide).  It’s remarkable how much pressure officials are under in Japan that rumors and scandals are intolerable to them and equate to public dishonor and even, suicide.  Only yesterday, the former President was sentenced to reclusion perpetua and held quilty of committing two out of four plunder cases filed against him.  Erap’s case, by stark comparison, is an example of how our politicians find it quite acceptable to roll in sinful amounts of filth and scandal as long as they get away with it (Erap certainly didn’t, in at least 2 out of 4 counts of plunder).  The Marcoses got away with it.  People in power have been getting away with their blatant scandals since before I was born, which leads me to ponder: are they getting away with it because we are letting them get away with it?  I have to say: most definitely. 

 

The Japanese would rather stab themselves in the gut rather than be dishonored in front of their countrymen.  This says much about the amount of respect they put in how the public views them, and fundamentally, their respect for their public.  Here, senators dance like prostitutes in front of the cameras during impeachment cases, shamelesly spend taxpayer’s money on cars and resort houses, let out press statements that contradict their actions the following morning, commit murder and theft and scandal on television, while using our own money.  This says something about how they see us, as constituents.  We may grumble a bit and gossip but in the end, they know we will accept these crimes against us as inevitable twists of fate, attributing it to an inherently corrupt system (“that’s the way it is”), ill fortune (“wala eh, minamalas”), or as cases beyond our reckoning and shall only be resolved by divine intervention (“Let’s all just pray for it.  The Lord will take care of them”).  And when they do get caught, and tried in court, our leaders know they can get away with some, if not all their transgressions.  Like two out of four fucking accounts of plunder.  Or Swiss accounts containing billions of pesos that we will never hear of again.  Or unexplained disappearances and murders that will never be resolved.  We will forget.  We will be willing to compromise.  Oh yes, we may even be willing to hug them and make beso, and forgive and waive their means to atone for their sins. 

 

And if, like the Japanese, we hand them a tanto, the ceremonial knife used for committing harakiri, most likely, they’ll stab us with it, even before our backs are turned.  Not really to kill us.  But to see how much more we are willing to bleed for them, and the filth they make us eat every single day.

Complaints: Legs

Groan.  My legs still feel like they want to fall off, or disengage like a detachable toy parts (kung pwede lang).  The effects of last Tuesday's 8 kilometer run with the Loyola Mountaineer bunch is still very much present.  I practically dragged myself through the whole jog (I was running on pure ego, I think), wondering how I had actually passed the application requirements and got inducted into the mountaineering org back in college.

Hmn.  Mukhang tumatanda na ako.  Not good.  Nag-aaya na naman si Iya, an LM undegrad.  I ought to make this running thing regular.  A manifestation of this intent is purchase of a running jersey from an Adidas sale last night.  It made me happy for awhile--since it was discounted, climacool-type (dri-fit), and color red (my favorite color!).  Tama si Lora; retail therapy does work. 

Lately I've been hanging out a lot with the LM peeps, which is a happy happy group.  I told Gregg how strange it was that I never really hung out with LM much before(considering I work on campus anyway)--they're a nice reservoir of positive, healthy energy.  I've been out with them for a couple of times lately, watching Cynthia Alexander at Tiendesitas over beer (oh, beer I missed thee) and dinner, catching Jason Bourne, and lately, running.  I might climb this weekend if my moolah and my sked allows it.  On the weekend, may inuman daw sa bahay ni Pappy.  Oh beer, I truly miss thee. 


Complaints: Left Ear

Left ear waterlogged after my usual 10 laps with Ate Lucy at the college pool in the morning. Today, I am officially half-deaf.  I'm not very good at the whole jumping up and down to get rid of water in my ears.  So today I am officially half deaf. 

We've been swimming everyday for almost a week.   

I've been faithful to my sked of  sit-ups, leg raises and side dips at 50 reps each.  So far I still have one big ab to show for it.  I realize not everything should not be paused. 

If you're interested in becoming a swim buddy: 6-8am on MWF's, 7-9am on TTH. 

Complaints:  Not very many, actually

1.  I'm out to buy me shoes.  Been spending time in malls, canvassing for shoes I like.  I write my choices down in a tiny notebok made out of recycled paper. Fun fun fun.

2.  I just got a text from Lasalle.  I've another appointment in that facilitator part-time job I missed because I was stranded in Batanes last May.  I hope this one pushes through.  It really depends on their sked; I can only work on the weekend.  It's extra income and also, something that'll give me a reason to visit manila (my favorite place), every now and then.       

3.  My room is clean.  Cleaned it out during the long weekend.  In a fit of reductionism, I was able to simplify what I consider as my belongings into two boxes. 

Complaints: Legs

Groan.  My legs still feel like they want to fall off, or disengage like a detachable toy parts (kung pwede lang).  The effects of last Tuesday's 8 kilometer run with the Loyola Mountaineer bunch is still very much present.  I practically dragged myself through the whole jog (I was running on pure ego, I think), wondering how I had actually passed the application requirements and got inducted into the mountaineering org back in college.

Hmn.  Mukhang tumatanda na ako.  Not good.  Nag-aaya na naman si Iya, an LM undegrad.  I ought to make this running thing regular.  A manifestation of this intent is the purchase of a running jersey from an Adidas sale last night.  It made me happy for awhile--since it was discounted, climacool-type (dri-fit), and color red (my favorite color!).  Tama si Lora; retail therapy does work. 

Lately I've been hanging out a lot with the LM peeps, which is a happy happy group.  I told Gregg how strange it was that I never really hung out with LM much before(considering I work in the Ateneo campus anyway)--they're a nice reservoir of positive, healthy energy.  I've been out with them for a couple of times lately, watching Cynthia Alexander at Tiendesitas over beer (oh, beer I missed thee) and dinner, catching Jason Bourne, and lately, running.  I might climb this weekend if my moolah and my sked allows it.  On the weekend, may inuman daw sa bahay ni Pappy.  Oh beer, I truly miss thee. 


Complaints: Left Ear

Left ear waterlogged after my usual 10 laps with Ate Lucy at the college pool in the morning.  I'm not very good at the whole jumping up and down to get rid of water in my ears.  So today I am officially half deaf. 

We've been swimming everyday for almost a week.   

I've been faithful to my sked of  sit-ups, leg raises and side dips at 50 reps each.  So far I still have one big ab to show for it.  I realize not everything should not be paused. 

If you're interested in becoming a swim buddy: 6-8am on MWF's, 7-9am on TTH. 

Complaints:  Not very many, actually

1.  I'm out to buy me shoes.  Been spending time in malls, canvassing for shoes I like.  I write my choices down in a tiny notebok made out of recycled paper. Fun fun fun.

2.  I just got a text from Lasalle.  I've another appointment in that facilitator part-time job I missed because I was stranded in Batanes last May.  I hope this one pushes through.  It really depends on their sked; I can only work on the weekend.  It's extra income and also, something that'll give me a reason to visit manila (my favorite place), every now and then.       

3.  My room is clean.  Cleaned it out during the long weekend.  In a fit of reductionism, I was able to simplify what I consider as my belongings into two boxes. 

4.  Humans can't fly.  But I discovered something that feels like flying.  I tried a couple of laps doing the breast stroke and it was fascinating how gliding through the water and tiles gliding past sort of feels like it.  I just have to do slow kicks that propel me forward, with my arms stretched out in front of me, Superman-style.  Then all have to imagine are buildings down below.  And criminals that make good targets for Superman heat vision. 

I tried to imagine Superman flying like that.  Kung magbe-breast stroke siya, mukha siyang palakang lumilipad.

Goodness can't wait for everything to get un-paused. 

Activities waiting upon un-pause:

1.  divi spree
2.  3 short stories whose first pages wait to be continued
3.  going out again
4.  being happy again
5.  swimming every day (every day!  every day!)
6.  much deserved trips for work
7.  Cebu plane ticket waiting to be consumed
8.  a pair of adidas sneakers or chocolate chucks as a reward for my long drawn EQ
9.  a nice long climb up Tarak Ridge with the mountaineers
10.sleeping without dreaming of work huhu
11.finally having the premise to return my mothers smiles in the morning

On other news, my flash-fiction (500-700 word stories that are a pain to edit) got accepted in an anthology of short stories, which they say will come out before the end of the year.  Was quite happy to find out that my emotions are not paused and was happy despite all the stress.  I will see you on the book launch, right?  And you will buy a copy of the book, right, right? (it's not like I'll make money out of it, though.  i only get 2 complimentary copies huhu.)

but, overall, quite happy, quite happy.  mark is getting published!  what's left to do is un-pause everything else. 

 

 

 

It is 7pm and am killing time here at the SEC-C benches in Ateneo.  I used to detest this place back in college, a nook of pretentious pseudo artists and your typical konyotic fare (whom, despite being a minority, end up representing Ateneans anyway). 

 

During bum times I’d ring up Jacob in his reclusive law-school life, and enjoy a meal and some talk in S.R. Thai till choir practice kicks in at 8.  UP Law supposedly finishes classes in mid-April, but since he’s decided in quitting law school, Jacob finds taking the rest of his finals exams unnecessary and left for Baguio last Sunday. 

 

I wonder how the rest of the months will be like with no convenient neighbor to tap during bum-time.  Impromptu activities to cure boredom are not at all rare with Jacob.  Instant trips to Arlegui for DVD runs, crashing Cuads’ friends’ parties (sometimes with us cooking a meal), crashing Paola’s house (freeloading on her huge flatscreen TV), crashing a wake full of people whom we do not know at all.  An instant trip to Bulacan with our friend Jen and her new girlfriend. 

 

Mostly, we talk about other people and dissect their lives, applying philosophy and sometimes, law in the picture.  We talk a bit about books and theory, of Ayn Rand and her wordy writing.  We talk of an all-powerful worldview that we try adopt in our lives, a perspective capable of conquering the world.  There’s nothing more refreshing than using pure negativity to try and analyze my crumbling, or to put it correctly, already crumbled lovelife.  Girls are enigmas easily defined and put away in little boxes of theory for our perusal.  Powers, in the form of money, ambition or supernatural skill are latent, waiting to be unleashed in the coming years.  This is the Jacob paradigm.         

 

Ateneo is very quiet nowadays.  In the heat of summer, the outlines of branches are stark against a dusky sky in the absence of its leaves, which clutter the sidewalks in sad, easily-forgotten piles.  The sun is unusually near our planet, promising an all-day smothering of heat and one and a half minute of glory when a gigantic orange something is setting behind the buildings at Ortigas.   

 

Work is work.  We are like a family, and we laugh easily.  We are mostly uncertain of our future in Mindanao, and at the same time, quite confident.  We laugh all day with a ton of private jokes.  But there is fear, there always is. 

 

Mosquitos killed: 6.  They are attacking my feet.  Another reason to hate SEC-C.

 

*           *           *

 

I feel a bit of disquiet, nowadays.  I felt it peak awhile ago and fade.  It has left a residue at the bottom of my stomach, a smooth white stone, nagging, having its presence felt.

 

Right now I can say I have a lot of control over the current issues in my life.  I can easily identify them like the next mosquito that comes my way, and eventually, using a technique I have developed over the past 2 years, it will be easy to crush them out.  Apart from some short bursts of emotion, I generally place these issues in manageable amounts in boxes in my head, sorting them out objectively, one by one.   

 

I can’t pinpoint what is causing the disquiet though.  While some of the issues I face are generally serious I do not feel particularly overwhelmed by them.  And getting overwhelmed, in any case, is loads different from feeling disquiet. 

 

Well, let’s see:

 

There’s the giant, vile worm that has been eating its way around our family for the past year, which my mother and I identified this morning. 

 

There’s evidence of my past actions that made me ponder about lizards who grew new tails after it gets slashed.  Of Excaliburs forged and carelessly cast down some random cliffs, as a friend admonishes.  

 

There’s the thought of moving out which is supposed to frighten/excite me that strangely, doesn’t.  The thought of change seems like a slight shift in cadence, a fine tuning of sorts.  With all systems in place, you’re ready for it.  Left, left, left right left, right leg shift, left, left, left right left.  I found two practical bedspace offers today, online, by the way. 

 

Off the bat though, I encountered a bad moment when that spelled “Oh, fuck,” while opening my Google mail which I have checked for the longest time. 

 

I got a letter from the Philippine coordinator to the Japanese university I have been dreaming of attending next year, regarding Japanese government MEXT scholarships that are being offered from that school.   I had not heard from her for 6 months at least. 

 

Yes, you guessed it.  Scholarship application submission deadline: March 26, 2007.  Today is April 4, peeps.  Oh fuck talaga. 

 

(your sympathies and condolences are most welcome)

 

Missing out on this deadline is a huge slam into my guts, but strangely enough I just rolled with it.  I know I should be feeling tons of regret and frustration, but strangely, I don’t.  I understand the gravity of the loss, mind you.  This is, after all, my DREAM.  What I don’t get is the absence of an obvious emotional coefficient in this most unfortunate of events.  I shall observe my attitude towards this for the next couple of days and hope I can attempt to identify what could be causing the disquiet. 

 

AND, pay more attention to my gmail.  Shit. 

 

*           *           *

 

Foreshadowing is a literary tool I’m currently exploring in the course of writing my short story, “Tessa”. 

 

Aptly so, I feel this disquiet is a foreshadowing of something huge, something serious.  I have all these little details of my life worked out in my hands, controlled, conceptually stable and relatively manageable, but beneath this placid state, there is something, waiting to crush everything.  I will go ahead and say it.

 

It’s as if all the goals I am working towards is inevitably doomed beyond my control, despite all my control. 

 

I wish I were having an anxiety attack whileI state this.  Or feel I’m being overly dramatic.  I hope I feel these things, but the sad thing is, I don’t.  I honestly wish I did. 

 

During the height of my thesis nightmare back in college, with no sleep for 48 hours, I slipped into a nap. 

 

I dreamt I was making a teepee fashioned by these colorful pick-up-sticks, setting each of their ends in a circle on the ground, and carefully placing all their other ends on the tip of my finger.  I was getting done when this huge, hairy claw grips my teepee project, crushing them all. 

 

I can’t pinpoint my disquiet, but this unsettling feeling of doom is rather significant.  This should be alarming since I believe Christ will meet us in the end of Time, and my favorite professor, Bobby Guevara asserts that in the end, says Gabriel Marcel, there is hope and not chaos. 

 

Well.  Something to pray about during the Holy Week.  Nonetheless, my current favorite word, sangfroid, says it all as to how I will face tomorrow, and the rest of these days.  This disquiet, will eventualy, pass.   

 

      

 

 

 

It’s almost 2am and I’ve just woken up and read your text message at 11pm.  Ironically, while I’m enjoying the fact that I’m not keeping house nor cooking my own meals anymore, I fell asleep and ended up skipping dinner last night. 

The waves crash endlessly outside my window.  I’m shivering a bit, it’s still pretty cold in Batanes, the residue of the December-February winter months still about (hello global warning).  I’d forgotten my fleece jacket back at home. 

I slunk around the hallway in my Ilocos blanket, looking for extra beddings, and coffee.  Most of the admin people are asleep and I ended up watching TV, BBC news, and some B-movie in Starmovies, about some giant octopus.  A documentary on Taiwan Tea was on in Discovery Channel, and I thought of you when they flashed a scene involing a couple of tea drinkers wading in a natural hot spring.  I heard there are a lot of hot springs in Japan. 

I’m going to work in awhile (in this sense, we are alike, we’re both early morning workers), but I’ll write you first. 

*           *           *

The last letter I wrote you was more than a week ago, so let me summarize events:

a)       In a span of a week I unwittingly pissed off two people whom I had considered best friends back in college.  They’re really pissed.

b)       Saw Paola in nice dressy clothes! (Pretty Paola!)  We talk a lot of Japan to the point of delusion (double dates in Shibuya, travelling P10,000 worth of train rides just so we can play Monopori).  Hmn, bagay sila no hihi.

c)       I’m still biking to work and swimming while I can.  Yesterday (Monday), I was able to swim all of my laps in the freestyle manner.  I discovered Ate Lucy, who is now my swim buddy, and her extremely relaxed freestyle which I am now adopting.  So far it has helped, now I am able to do more laps than before (I focused too much on speed rather than form and ended up expending too much energy).  Her philosophy is simply about being comfortable in the water.

There were only two of us in the pool and the other guy was this popular history teacher, Dr. Henry Totanes.  I saw him in the HealthDev clinic a couple of times.

He was already finishing up when I introduced myself. 

“Oh, you’re from HealthDev.” 

“Yes, from the project side.  Upstairs.  I actually tried to take your History 166, but for some reason, I wasn’t able to.”  History 165 (Rizal and the Emergence of The Filipino, I took Madrona) was a prerequisite then, and I missed Dr. Totanes’ class during that year since he teached only one sem per year.  I ended up taking another teacher whose teaching method was so boring I ended up sleeping during most of the lectures.    

“Sorry I couldn’t really see you.  The grade of my glasses are at 650,” he apologized, squinting and putting on his goggles to look at me.  “Speedo actually offers lenses in their goggles.  Okay I see you now.”

I resumed my laps.  The sun shone diagonally into the pool, which lit my eyes whenever i took a breath after three strokes.  The Speedo goggles I had purchased with Jacob was worth it.  The anti-glare function worked, and it was anti-fog, too. 

A shout is functionally, a cry for help.  For no reason at all though, I tried shouting a bit underwater.  Grade school science says liquid is a better medium at transmitting sound, but in an empty pool, nobody could really hear.  I wonder how whales speak.

d)       Project planning with HealthDev.  Normally, I don’t write about work, but I found the exercise we did in HealthDev interesting.  Dr. Ray, our Executive Director, facilitated discourse among the project teams (both Social Health Insurance and the Community-Based Water Sanitation project), to determine our identity and telos as a health development institute.  It helped us situate our individual tasks into context, something I’m not too good at seeing (I pay more attention to specific details than the “bigger picture”).  Anyway, the discussion reminded my of our CIP reviews back in college, and at times, philosophy class.  There was a lot of discussion regarding semantics, which took a long time to discuss, but it seems the group likes going into that.  I love my Ateneo training.

e)       I was able to have a couple of consequential conversations with you.  Am glad things are okay between us.  I don’t have to rewrite everything we talked about (although this talk will always have a special place in my heart), but it was very important to me, and it makes me feel warm, recalling those words and feelings.  Thanks for helping me figure things out, too.  Socrates never asserted he had any knowledge, but he brought out truth and wisdom from his learners all the time.  Nangangailangan lang pala sila ng isang matiyagang hilot upang makaraos sa isang mahirap na pagbubuntis.  Thank you. I hope I am a Socrates for you as well. 

f)         I was able to meet more of your friends!  Most of all your legendary Althea. I agree with you that she is really beautiful, and I’m sorry I had to say that out loud (she turned really red when I said it.  Sorry pretty friend of Cuads.).  I’m good at reading people, and at first glance I can say she’s someone you should stick too.  Ganda pa.     

g)       Rediscovering Jacob.  Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jacob.  I’ve always thought he was interesting, but I had doubts we’d get along well.  Conversations with him aren’t as heavy as I expect, but are nonetheless sensible and carefully metaphysical if you listen long and hard enough.  He has interesting views on Murakami (and with certain books we’ve both read), which has better logical base than my usually emotional readings of most texts.  For a self-proclaimed “recluse” he has interesting stories to tell (not a few about girls, would you believe?), and is always nice to listen to. 

He’s the type of friend whom you can do certain thing with that most people wouldn’t understand; he once suggested that the things we can during a free afternoon was

i.                     look for books

ii.                   crash at a friend’s place

iii.                  read books

iv.                  write, and then critique our work (in the span of an afternoon?!)

He seems like the Murakami character that’s always interesting to hang around with.  He likes clasical music, too, and plays the violin.  Classic Murakami.  One of the most interesting things he’s ever done was suggest he cook for your friends (whom he hardly knew).  It was nice when we cooked our pasta at the same time (his was the “dorm carbonara”, mine was the uber ham red tomato). 

h)       Gail.  I finaly met her after this long hiatus.  I’ve already told you that I consider her one of my soulmates, and I hope it will always remain so.  Last Wednesday I went with her to her French classes in Makati.  She went to class while I worked on my laptop in the lobby where mostly French people about our age were dining and of course, talking in French.  Afterwhich, we watched this free movie (Not Here To Be Loved , a French film) which was shown weekly.  It was tres bien beaucoup.  Omelete du fromage, haha.    

i)         I’ve been speaking with my sisters lately, and this is quite an event when both live far away, bunso in Baguio, and panganay in Boston. 

j)         We sang in a concert, my second since the Megamall last Valentine’s.  This was a fundraiser for the UP Ictus.  The “plants”(brilliant males who, for poor girls who happen to like them, are unfortunately asexual.  Not gay, mind you, but asexual) of Kinema and the “porcelain” (girls so beautiful and perfect they can’t be touched, and who will break if you do) of the Glee Girls were nice to watch and hear.  Hmn, I remember you wondering whether a plant could break a porcelain girls heart.  Tragic!

C5 is currently having problems now, with member commitments, I think.  I’m always early for practice though, even if I have a tendency of singing flat notes every now and then.  I can’t wait to sing with them more (I think there’s a wedding come March), they’re such a happy group.  Thanks for going to the concert, punta kayo uli a!

k)       I’ve been getting to know interesting people lately.  One of them, whom I’ve known for a long time, seems to have a potential to be a really good friend (we’re planning a movie marathon, wanna come?  Her preferece is towards the old black and white films, mine’s towards local and 70’s).  Interesting how we discover our friendships.  Tell you more about them sometime, okay?

Overall, it’s been an interesting week.  I hope I can resolve item “a”, though.  Sooner or later.

*           *           *

This morning, I finished checking into my room at the Ivatan Lodge, where I’m staying till the 13^th.  My NGO is covering for my food and lodging since I’m not based here anymore.  Which is liberating since I don’t have to clean up the old staff house and cook my food. 

My room has a nice view of the ocean.  Aiconditioned (with the cold I found it unecessary to turn it on, which the polar bears will appreciate), and small.  I unpacked quickly and settled in easily, taking a short nap after finishing Paola’s Sputnik Sweetheart for the third time before finally walking to work. 

March is the perfect time to go to Batanes, the colors are starkly obvious, yellow sun, white clouds, green LOTR hills and blue seas.  The few hotels and lodges in Batanes are now fully booked, and it was a good thing I was able to get on the plane with my chance passenger status.  Also chance passengers with me were Unitel people, and tons of their equipment were sadly, offloaded.  It turns out Dawn Zulueta will be in Batanes on Thursday.  Si Angel Aquino raw nandito na.  Ivatans are not so showbiz in nature at hindi talaga sila dumudumog ng mga artista.  Which means I’ll stand out pag na Starstruck ako kay Angel Aquino.  Jologs na kung jologs pero magpapalitrato talaga ako. 

I also hope I bump into nice tourists later.  Normally, I don’t like Manilenos, who are loud, demanding and unwittingly insensitive to the culture.  For some reason, my perspective of them has changed.  Maybe it’s because technically, I’m a bit of a tourist myself, now.  Am actually pretty lucky since  March 7, is the pista of Brgy. Kaychanarianan, the baranggay my lodge  is in.  That's where Byron and most of the people at the office live.  Already, I've received invitations to eat here and there tomorrow.  I like this lucky gift of mine.  

Remember what I told you about having an image of myself, which seems more me than I am now?  It’s a me who bikes to work and swims in the morning (check, and check).  Now I’ve finally achieved a characteristic of that me in my head, that me who goes to project sites and sleeps in rented rooms and works at night on a laptop.  They say it is the nature of man never to be content with what he has (thus suggesting that the ideal image of me will change as soon as I achieve it), but I really am content, and happy now.  Still, I am still a couple of checks away from the me I want to be, so I still can't be too content, haha.   

Anyway, I’ll be doing a bit of work now.  I’ll write you again.  Please do write when you have time.    

cuads-kun,

It's my second day of biking to work and so far the conclusion is that Manila streets aren't safe for bikers. Yesterday, on my way home, I stopped dead on my tracks when this Toyota Altis roared towards me. He was still far off when I crossed the junction so I assumed he'd let me pass. At the middle of crossing though he accelerated with unblinking headlights on high beam. Now I understand what jacklighting is, and its effect on deer.

I shared this with Aeza (we we're both early today): "Uy share ko lang, muntik na akong mamatay kahapon!"

* * *

People really are in a hurry. I see their faces everyday, worked up with stress and deadlines, things to accomplish. Even Mr. Altis probably had things on his mind. I watched this Fil-Am movie, and there was this scene where all these Pinoy kids were worked up with their set-upped cars which they'd use for drag racing. Anyway this guys says: "Why is there a need for us to make our cars faster anyway?"

This brings back thoughts of this early morning talk with Jen (your Jen, not my Jen Panaligan), the interior designer girl. I was taking her home then after our sake party. I had just finished dropping you off at your house, and then Jacob.

"Oh man am so tired," says Jen.

"Me too," I reply. I really was sleepy, di ko lang pinahalata.

"Bakit pa kasi 5 days a week ang trabaho? Weekends should be made longer," she says sleepily. "Weekends are too short. Sana 5 day weekends nalang, and two day work days."

Then another eureka thought hits me and I'm wide awake, zooming through Katipunan at 3:00 am. Why are we in a hurry?

I won't go into the impact of the Genesis text on how the world lives. God created the world in seven days, we live by this seven days. He created man on the sixth, and rested on the seventh. Technically speaking, we have to work 6 days a week. No more Saturday night parties. To quote Dave Matthews, "the week ends the week begins".

I take a look around and listen to the news. There is this constant pressure to speed things up. Create more money, bring more babies into the world. Phones are getting smarter, computers in the next decade is not far from thinking like we do. Tons of smoke are pumped into the air in an effort to maintain production and polar bears are dying as the world temperature shifts. It takes us 5 days a week to speed up the world's progress and "improve" things.

Look around, look how fast we fucked things up. And we're still about in this pace. Fast-paced lifestyles are in. Technology, by creating quicker means for us to operate (faster phones, faster cars, idiot's guides and quick, on the go meals), incentivates us in this unqenchable thirst to speed things up.

Maybe if we had more rest, say a five-day weekend, we'd have more time to think and reflect on the things we do. We'll spend more time with family, enjoy our life more, put more time in conversation, in building relationships, in taking care of ourselves. We'll put more thought into the two day work days, thinking "is this the right thing to do?", "will what I do make the world a better place?", "will this really make me happy?". If we had rest, we'd have more time to spend doing what we consider to be truly important, which all these self-help inspirational books keep on uncovering for us, saying "family life is more importantthan your career life", or "God is more important than making money."

Maybe with more rest, we'd have more foresight, more wisdom, and more energy for our 2-day work week. No wonder our lifespans are getting shorter and shorter, we wear our bodies out, and we do not have enough time to think of the consequences.

More importantly, given our tendencies as human beings, if we worked only 2 days a week, we wouldn't fuck the world up as fast.

Given the pace and structure of how we live (economics, culture etc), the human race would probably perish if we shifted to such a system overnight. We aren't suited to settling down, keeping quiet, reflecting, or spending too much time with family.

But if this were the case maybe we'd be more human and less machine.

Maybe we wouldn't make as many mistakes.

MAybe we wouldn't screw up the world as fast as the pace we are doing it now.

Hmn: so the central thesis of the piece? Progress is crap? Reflect before you act and save a polar bear while you're at it? Revolutionize human dynamics into 5 day weekends?

Perhaps. And I just want bike lanes installed in roads, maybe.

Mina (everyone), slow down. It is not a call to complacency or mediocrity. Rest when you need to. Do more by doing less. Put those neurons to work. Slow down.

* * *

Added to my favorite person list is Ate Lucy's daughter, Cheska. Apart from the fact that she gave me a nice box for my collection, I could tell she was someone who'd save the world someday. Nowadays, Ate Lucy is going crazy during the current heat wave of summer since Cheska, who had just seen "An Inconvenient Truth", a documentary on global warming is banning the use of the airconditioning in their house.

Cheska reminds me of you Cuads-kun. Guess where you are in my favorite person list.

* * *

Ate Lucy, during an interview: "So, ano ang sinasabi ng 'The Inconvenient Truth'".
Interviewee: (trying to impress by being concise and direct to the point) "Global warning."
Ate Lucy: (dying inside) "So, ano itong global warning na ito?"

Interview finishes and the interviewee leaves the room. Maiyak iyak daw sila sa katatawa ni Kuya Ramil.

Mark

dear Angela-kun,

It's a bit before nine and only Mia's here. I have decided to reward myself and give mself a bit of internet time to write you. Work doesn't start until nine anyway.

I had a wonderful morning today. Mum and ate are up early, after sleeping soundly in the bed (that we bought together, such a lovely day that was, wasn't it). Having finished all my pending deadlines the other day, there was nothing to cram and I slept soundly as well.

Mum woke me up at 6, which was a bit of a disaster since I told myself I'd leave the house by 5am to avoid traffic and harsh sunlight. I thought it would be lovely to be up before the city is, hearing it come to life (yes, there is a sound of the city waking). It's a booming, echoing sound that is as loud as it is subtle.

It's Ash Wednesday and it's also supposedly fasting day (one full meal only). You aren't fasting, are you? You should eat your food on time. The world needs doctors and I think the Lord will understand. And I do not want you to faint. It is difficult to describe the feeling when I hear something's happened to you. (ergo, if you won't do it for your sense of well-being, do it for my own peace of mind! i go a bit loony when i hear those things). Take care of yourself, okay?

Anyway I ate a bit while Mum finished packing all my stuff, to see me off. Feeling schoolboy. Bath stuff. Swim gear. Goggles. Batteries for my headlamp. Work clothes. Phone. Money. Cellophane bag for wet swim clothes.

I had to lug the laptop though, ang hassle! I will never take work home again.

It was a beautiful ride to work. Of course by that time there was traffic and smoke and people and loud tricycles. My relationship with stressful public transport has ended (at least with jeeps).

The route I had planned worket out quite well and it was exhilirating to breeze by while others were stuck in traffic. Last night during my test drive of the bike (with its new upgrades-- a pair of 28" Maxxis tires and new Shimano 7-speed gripshifts--gwapo gwapo ng bisikleta ko, help me name it willyou?), I visited Denise (LM peep) and we were so excited about the whole "bike everywhere" idea. Someday the roads will be replaced with bikes-- no more internal combustion engine. Then it'll be like Beijing or some parts of Japan.

* * *

I arrived in school at about 7:25, meaning i still had a go in the university pool (there is a free window of two hours from 6am to 8am, Mondays and Wednesdays for Ateneo-based staff). The water was cold and nice for these unbearable pre-heated oven of approaching summer, and I began with breastroke laps.

I like the world down there, the thrill of plunging underwater after a gulp of air. It was my world, a quiet world of blue tiles and lines and unrecognizable arms and legs of other swimmers in the pool (there were some varsity people there, too). Above water, I would hear tricycles and the sounds of basketballs pounded on the other side of the gym, then the next moment, there is me, and the blue perspective of my goggles, and the silent movement of my arms and legs.

I plodded on like this, imaging boats and fish. I am a boat, born on land, of leaf and earth and sun, but with technique I am a fish, and water is my home.

At some point during my shift into freestlye, you began popping in my head. "Hey you, come up for air, idiot." Freestly is difficult for me since I haven't found my pace yet. Somebody once told me that you should come for air when you need it, and I find myself instilling EQ by prolonging my strokes, putting off breath and putting too much attention to form--which easily gets me tired. I'm usually ready to fall apart, lungs bursting at the end of the pool during freestyle.

Oxygen is intoxicating. It can give you such a high.

Hey, I once kissed a girl underwater. It is a strange thing, how romantic the image is when you're watching it on TV. In reality all you get are noses filled with water, a chlorine painted mouth, and red eyes.

I once kissed a girl underwater and it was beautiful. With that memory intact I could never be totally alone underwater.

Soap, how are you?

* * *

I'm starving!

Canto Cinco, the choir I recently joined is singing for tonight's Ash Wednesday mass at the Gesu. We've recently done a Valentine's concert (di ka pumunta hmph), and sing at masses in UP. We're going to do a wedding in March, so excited! Over the weekend we learned two new songs "Sandaling Pinakahihintay" and a Don Moen song.

I remember, we went to Quiapo for Ash Wednesday. It was a good memory. See you soon, cuads-kun. Shall tell you more stories tomorrow.

Mark

08.24.06

Dear Cuads-kun,

My headache is still throbbing, on the left side of my head. I’ve taken some mefenamic acid and I plan to sleep on it. I hope it is gone by tomorrow. This morning I sat down to eat in Basco’s small but popular lugawan and found most of the patrons a bit groggy and hung from last night’s drinking. Apparently they also believe that sweating over a steaming bowl of porridge can cure the worst of hangovers.

Dinner is the first meal I prepared for myself since I arrived. The past few meals in between, people have been inviting me to eat at their place. Soon I will have to relearn my systems of survival at home. I plan to do a major cleanup on the weekend, and replenish my store of food in the ref. Among the spoiled contents of my ref are a pack of dates, a small bag of marshmallows and a batch of calamansi fruit. Being away from home for a month can be very strange.

Water is still a problem here. I guess I will push through with my civic duty and write that letter to the mayor, to request his immediate action on the matter. At night, I’m going to bike around Diptan and have the people place their signatures on the letter. It’s so difficult to operate without a decent supply of water. It is so difficult to clean house and cook. Even my personal luxury of “baths whenever I wish” had to go. Now I understand why the early civilizations thrived along the riverbanks.

I was the only one at work today. With most of my work accomplished in Manila, that left me with coordinative work: making calls, getting resource people for further trainings. I spent most of my hours fixing my files in their proper folders—I can’t believe I have so many files; man, entropy can really build up when your back is turned.

I do not like the office the way it had been today; empty and quiet. Ever since we met in Manila I noticed lesser coordination among Rory and Gary and I as a project team. Let’s hope my observations are incorrect.

Annalyn wants to speak to me about a problem she has. Gary has actually spoken to me about it (we’ve been talking a lot lately), haha, ambilis talaga ng balita dito. I still find it difficult to see beyond black and white in these things. Since we’re speaking of older people here, I tend to look at their life decisions as things that give me an idea of what I’ll be facing in a couple of years. Gail and I talk a lot about how, as we “grow up”, so many things are changing. It is both exciting, and at the same time, terrifying. That is why I want to hold on to my perception of things as black and white as long as I can. I hope I’m mistaken about what Annalyn wants to talk to me about. Whatever happens, I’ll tell you about it. I always do.

Gail called me up awhile ago and I am very proud of her. It is good when you hear about friends are growing and making decisions. It also felt very nice knowing that even if I live far away, they still count on you for a much needed talk in the midst of all this growing.

Mark

P.S. I find myself craving for your cream-o cookies! I was so angry awhile ago when some mice got into my store of food and nibbled at one pack, which left me one other to feast on. Am getting a cat for sure.